Lost~Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Museum of Her.
Thirteen minutes. Thirteen minutes until I can escape this hell hole of memories and reminders and go home to more memories and reminders, but, slightly more bearable ones. Slightly.
I stared out the window watching deep orange  leaves float down to the ground, dancing around in the wind then settling on the muddy swamp that my school likes to call grass. Clouds floated by leisurely as if they had nowhere to be and no one expecting them. 
Autumn used to be my favourite time of year, when baggy jumpers come out and everything is cosy and warm. The beautiful, rusty colours everywhere you look and the crisp chill that set in most mornings, just enough to pinch your cheeks until they were flushed and rosy.
Now it just reminds me of the end.
“Miss Scott, you have been very quiet today,” Mr Palmer said giving me a grin. 

Most teachers have just let me stay quiet and daydream all lesson since I came back a few days ago. But not Mr Palmer. No, he loves to make things as difficult as possible for me. He enjoys picking on me when he knows I’m not listening and does that evil, crooked, sarcastic smile when I get the answer completely wrong and a few people at the bag snigger to themselves under their breath.
 I guess it’s better than the others. They all gave me that face when I walk into the classroom. The one that says you poor thing, what must you be going through. I don’t want to upset you so I’ll give you a sympathetic smile because you’re being so lstrong being back at school. Yes. That face. 

“Do you think you could tell us what the answer to the equation is on the board please Miss Scott? I would love to see you participating more in lessons please.” 

Twelve minutes.
***
After what felt like years of walking through corridors with people pointing and whispering, staring and giving me the face I was finally in my safe place. 
The first thing some people do when someone dies is packs up their things, almost like they never existed. I read that it helped online when I googled ‘how to carry on living after your twin dies’. You could go through my search history and find the weirdest searches. 
At the start I was willing to do anything to try and take away the excruciating ache that was coming from inside my chest, like someone had ripped my heart out and tried to glue it back in upside down. Every second of every day the pain got worse, eating me alive from the inside out, suffocating me, consuming me. I didn’t realise until a few weeks later when I’d read the millionth article on grief that it doesn’t go away. The pain never leaves. The gap is never filled. She is gone. 
The room was exactly how she left it that morning. Exactly. Her old hairbrush thrown carelessly onto her dressing table, still with strands of her golden waves intertwined with the bristles. A few pieces of random jewellery scattered over the table. Her white, fluffy dressing gown spread out on her floor where she left it when she last left the house and next to it a pair of jet black heels that she was trying on to show me, planning on wearing them that night. A thin layer of dust lay on the surface of everything in her room. 
I walked over to her wardrobe and sat down in the same place I sat every day after school, shut the door and closed my eyes. The faint smell of her still lingered on her clothes and I breathed in, inhaling her and making her alive in me again. 
Her room is my museum. The museum of Octavia Scott. My dead twin sister.
——
So here is chapter 1. Please remember if you enjoyed reading to let me know with a comment or like. It makes me so happy to get a response! 

Love, Lauren x

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Lost, Blurb.

Lost.

“Aubrey,” I feel a nudge on my shoulder.
“Earth to Aubrey” Kat sings in the most patronising voice I have ever heard. I continue to pretend I can’t hear them. Having earphones in is great for avoiding conversations that you aren’t in the mood for.
“Aubrey are you okay?” Hayley asks looking a little concerned.
The fact is I’m not okay. I don’t think I will ever be okay again. A part of my wants to stand up and scream it in their faces. No. No I am not okay and can they just stop asking. But they don’t, and I guess I have to live with it. It’s all anyone ever wants to know and I’m sick of it. I’m not okay. My head is a huge forest of grey and I’m lost somewhere in the middle.
Lost with no way out.

 

———–

 

Just something I’ve started working on. Please, please like if you would like to read more and comment to let me know your thoughts. It really means so much to get a response from my readers.

ALSO, my amazing friend has just started a blog and with no bias, her writing is more than powerful. It really is something, she deserves to be noticed because she is extremely talented and has a special way with words. Her blog is not so shallow thoughts and you can find it here. I would highly recommend you go and give it a read.

Thank you, you lovely people.

Lauren x

 

 

Things That Scare Me.

Being scared is normally an emotion associated with giant spiders, heights, clowns or even the dark. Horror films focus on what any typical person would think of as scary and things that will make you jump. However, for someone with anxiety, spindly, long-legged spiders are the least of our worries.

For some people, a task as simple as answering the phone to someone you don’t know, asking a waitress for something or talking to someone new can be enough to make their stomach twist and their heart race. I know it does for me, anyway. Rather than the dark, the things that terrify me out of my mind are situations with unknown people, awkward silences and putting myself out there and doing something out of my comfort zone.

For me personally, it was my prom a few days ago, which, on the night was absolutely amazing and I enjoyed every minute. Yet, what I didn’t enjoy was the gruelling lead up, filled with new boys, sleepless nights worrying about how I would look and hours spent going over and over situations that could go wrong on the night. For me, someone that gets very anxious, very quickly, prom seemed like a night designed to make me face my biggest fears. Stuffed full with new people, photos and boys. It is fair to say that I was terrified.

It amazed me how a night that so many teenaged girls had waited for and looked forward to for years caused me so much stress. For me, the night was just an opportunity to be put in situations that would make my heart leap into my mouth and my brain freeze up. I never considered not going as all of my friends were and it seemed silly to miss out on such a big night. But, there were times when I felt so sick beforehand that I wished and hoped that an excuse would come up meaning that I didn’t have to go. The idea of a room through of people that would judge me on what I was wearing, how I looked and who I was with made my skin crawl. Scared almost seems like an understatement.

Of course, when you think of prom, the next thing that comes to mind is a date. Cue another hundred hours of worrying and anxiety. For some teenaged girls, talking to boys comes natural and they don’t think much of it. Not me. Going to an all girl’s school doesn’t help with my ability to talk to the other gender and for me, avoiding it whenever possible has seemed like the way to go to keep my anxiety levels as low as possible. But, with prom there was no avoiding the inevitable. I am not going to lie, the idea of having a date did sound quite nice to me until it became too real and I got too far in to back out. Then came a whole other set of things that scared me. Would he like me? Would I be able to talk to him? Was he only going with me to be polite? Would I look nice enough? A million more terrifying questions flooded through into my head and took a permanent space. Circling around and driving me crazy. I just wished the night would never come.

I was told by so many people ‘oh he will love you’, ‘you have nothing to worry about’ and ‘you will get on so well’. Nevertheless, no matter how many words of encouragement I received, my head continued to create terrifying scenarios of how the night would go to worry me even more. I was a mess of anxiety and fear.

Looking back now after the night, I know it seems so stupid to stress about something so small. But to me it was scary, to me it was terrifying. I know no matter what, I could not have been stopped from stressing so much and that makes me so angry. But I can’t help it. It’s just me, I guess.

So my moral, if you can even call it a moral, is to not worry about how trivial the thing that scares you may seem. If its spiders or clowns or flying or social situations or loud noises. That is fine. Different things are to different people and you should never worry about feeling alone in what scares you. It’s okay to let things scare you. No one can avoid fear, even if they like to tell you that nothing scares them, there will always be something.

Comment some of your fears to help us all feel less alone in what scares us!

Lots of love,

Lauren

x

 

Social Anxiety or Just Shy?

This is something I haven’t opened up about to many people. Not in the way I want to, I always try but I just end up feeling silly or pathetic and play it off. So, I guess you should feel quite special if you are reading this. I have put my trust into you, just listen to what I have to say and if anyone could help me out I would be extremely grateful.

I’ve always been a shy person. Since I was little I have been the shy one. Small, quiet and shy. This seemed quite normal when I was younger because a lot of little kids are quite shy. But, now I am 15 I can’t help thinking that it might be more than that. Shy, I mean.

I am not great in social situations. Really not great. I get nervous and shakey and my chest tightens when I have to talk to someone I don’t know. Or even people I do know sometimes. I can talk to people, sometimes I’m fine. I stutter and stumble over my words but I get through conversations but in my head I am constantly thinking that I sound ridiculous. Why can’t I just talk to people like a normal teenager? 

I get so nervous all the time for absolutely no reason. I overthink everything to the point where it stresses me out when really, there’s nothing to worry about but I can’t stop myself from doing it. I feel sick and my heart races. My hands get sweaty and they shake. Why does this happen? Is this just being shy? 

Overthinking is one of my biggest bad habits, if you can call it a habit? I lie in bed weeks before I know I have got something like a party and make up stressful and awkward situations that could happen in my head. This only psyches myself out of doing things that would put myself in that situation. I analyse everything to death and I second guess myself for no reason. Yet, I can’t stop doing it, it’s automatic.

Another one of my biggest problems is thinking I’m annoying people when I’m more than likely not. When I’m talking to someone, especially on text, I will stop conversations because I tell myself that I’m annoying them and they don’t really want to talk to me. I feel like people don’t like me, or that I am the odd one out in a group all of the time. Like people are just being polite when they include me in conversation. The self doubt eats me alive. 

I’m okay in school, answering questions in lessons doesn’t trouble me unless I’m put on the spot. However, I’m really bad at reading out loud in front of the class and I constantly stutter. In front of the girls that are ‘cooler’ than me I’m a horrible, stuttery mess. I hate that I can’t just talk to everyone normally, but it is like a subconscious thing that happens. I automatically stress out and get really nervous.

I find it hard to talk to people over the phone, especially if I don’t know them. Little things like asking for help in a shop stress me out. I am always thinking that people are laughing at me when they aren’t or they think I’m weird. 

It’s hard to explain what I feel when I start to panic. I’ve given some sort of idea in this post. I’m making this sound really bad. This doesn’t happen all of the time and all of these things that happen aren’t extreme, but they are there. I have good days and bad days. Even though I have done a bit of research I am still a bit unsure on what exactly panic attacks are and whether I have them or not. If I do they must be pretty mild but I do get these moments of overwhelming panic.

I guess my question is what I started with. Is this all just me being a shy person or is it something more? Am I just a bit of an awkward person? I feel like this isn’t normal and it isn’t just being shy.

I would be so unbelivably grateful for anyone to give me some advice or someone to talk to in the comments about this because I am sick of keeping this all to myself. It feels so good to have written this down and got it off of my chest.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren x

Growing up.

Don’t you just wish you could go back to being six years old sometimes? I bet if you had the chance to go back for just a day you would. I can’t even remember what I worried about when I was that age. Maybe if it was going to be raining or not at playtime? If I was going to like what my Mum had cooked for dinner? What would happen in the new episode of Hannah Montana?

Looking back, it seems like a luxury to only have experienced that amount of worry, to not understand what the word stress even meant.

I was with a friend yesterday at a family friend’s party that was full of other kids mostly under the age of 10. Bearing in mind, when I say ‘full’, I mean full. There must have been at least 50 0f them running around screaming. My friend, lets call her Becky, Becky and I were talking about revision, colleges and careers and we both have mock exams after Christmas so you could say that we are extremely fed up of being stuck in our rooms revising. Becky looked at me, sighed and said ‘I want to be that age again, I’m sick of being stressed’.

The thing is, I completely understand what she meant. It would be so nice to go back to primary school and have half an hour of homework a week, to play with friends every night and to not even know what exams were. We used to be asked what we wanted to be when we were older and we would reply with ‘vet’, ‘ballerina’ or ‘doctor’ and the only reason we had for giving that answer would be because we loved animals, loved dancing or loved helping people. We had no clue that we had to face scary exams, daunting interviews and a million other obstacles to get to that point, we just dreamt big and it was as simple as that.

I wish things were that simple now. I work so hard and it pays off but I can’t help feeling exhausted all of the time. It would be so nice to just jump inside the head of a seven year old every now and again to have a break from my head that is drowning in sch00l, exams and the future.

I’ve seen a post 0n instagram that says something along the lines of ‘I wish I could fast forwards twenty years and see myself with a job and a family just so I can feel the comfort of knowing I get there eventually’. It would be so reassuring for someone to just tell me, don’t worry, you’re getting there, you’re going to be okay.

A young child’s head is full of simplicity, fun and big ideas and I think we could all learn something from how they live life with the idea that they will be a vet because they love animals. Not because they have the best grades, the most work experience or they’re great at interviews. Just because they love animals. That simple.

If you are older than me (fifteen) and have any words of wisdom for the oh-so-scary future and how you have found things that would be much appreciated, please please please leave a comment below. Also, if you are my age and feel the same as me it would be great to hear that I’m not alone in this or if you feel differently please let me know, I want to hear what you think!

Lauren x

 

TV Shows – Family Dramas

I have watched a lot of TV shows. More than I’d care to admit to most people. However, as my readers (you guys) aren’t most people, I thought I’d share some TV shows that I’ve watched and enjoyed with you.

As there are many that I would recommend (like I said, I’ve watched a lot of shows…) and I want to write good quality overviews on all of them, I’ve grouped them and I guess it’s going to be a bit like a series of posts. Also, I am not going to write about the really common shows that most people watch. Hopefully I will introduce you to some shows that you haven’t heard of or thought about watching before.

I’m starting on family dramas and although I do tend to enjoy supernatural shows more, the list I have are all very good and they kept me extremely entertained!

The Fosters

Seasons: 3

Premier date: June 3, 2013

Starring: Terri Polo, Sherri Saum, Maia Mitchell

The Fosters is a family drama about a not-so-typical family that have to face a lot in their lives. The first episode starts when the couple, Stef Foster and Lena Adams agree take in Callie who is fresh out of juvie, ‘just for a few weeks’. Their family is made up of Stef’s biological son Brandon, who is a piano prodigy and their adopted twins Jesus and Mariana. As expected Callie doesn’t settle in too well and she comes with a lot of baggage. However, she isn’t the only member of this dysfunctional family that has issues as you soon learn.

The Fosters isn’t your typical family drama as the Foster-Adams family definitely aren’t your typical family. Likewise, when I say family drama, I promise you there isn’t a lack in the ‘drama’ part of the phrase. There is always something happening and I was hooked right from the start. On top 0f that, if you are one of those die-hard romance types, you will not be let down. The Fosters has a couple of my top ships that make your heart melt.

I underestimated this TV show before I watched it, thinking it wouldn’t be my thing because it was about a family and it wouldn’t keep me entertained. I was completely wrong.

My Favourite Characters/Actors:

Jake T Austin as Jesus.

Maia Mitchell as Callie.

David Lambert as Brandon.

Jordan Rodrigues as Mat Tan.

Life Unexpected

Seasons: 2

Life Unexpected is about a  15-year-old foster kid Lux finding her birth parents Nate Bazile and Cate Cassidy. To say the least, they are not ready to have a teenaged daughter but lucky for them, Lux only wants their signatures so that she can get a judge to emancipate her. However, when things go wrong and the judge puts her into temporary custody of the high school couple, she finds herself living with two complete strangers that have no idea how to be parents.

Life Unexpected is very funny as the ‘parents’ have hardly grown up but now they have Lux to take care of, Baize and Cate try and become parents to the daughter they never knew. This is both hilarious and very touching to watch. Although it is not quite as exciting as The Fosters, it is very original and not at all what you would  expect from a family drama.

My Favourite Characters/Actors:

Britt Robertson as Lux.

Kristoffer Polaha as Nate Basile.

Switched at Birth

Seasons: 4

Switched at Birth is about, well exactly what the title says. It’s about two girls that were switched at the hospital when they were born. We see how much of an emotional and psychological impact the bombshell has on not only the girls, but their families too. Could you imagine if one day you were told that your mother wasn’t your birth mother and that you weren’t related to your brother. You could say that your whole life has been a lie! More complications make the situation even more complicated and the girls couldn’t have come from more different backgrounds if they had tried.

Switched at birth is one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. I binge watched all of the seasons so fast and I would watch it all again. There is so much suspense, tension and drama with a good amount of romance. It is everything you could want and more.

My Favourite Characters/Actors:

Vanessa Marano as Bay.

Sean Berdy as Emmett.

Lucas Grabeel as Toby.

Austin Butler as James ‘Wilke’ Wilkerson.

David Blair Redford as Ty. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this and you will give these tv shows a go, they are good, I promise!

Remember to comment if you have any questions or you have something to say and like if you enjoyed my post!

Lauren x

Questions and Answers

So I have done the Leibster Award before in a previous post but when ‘The Wandering Girl’ nominated me again I thought I’d give it another go as it’s different every time. Oh, and thanks so much for nominating me! You should definitely read her blog, you can find it here. No I’m kidding you it’s actually here. Okay, I’ll stop.

So, the rules:

  • Post the award on your blog.
  • Thank the blogger who nominated you, and include a link to their blog.
  • Write eight random facts about yourself.
  • Nominate eight bloggers who you think are deserving and who have less than 200 followers.
  • Answer the questions put forward by the nominating party and put up 8 questions for your nominees.

8 random facts about myself:

  1. I teach lessons to children just starting to learn piano.
  2. I’ve decided I want to be a vet so I have to gets loads of work experience and my grades have to be perfect. The pressure is a lot!
  3. I play the guitar and piano.
  4. I can do three way splits and I stretch most days to get more flexible.
  5. I’m British but half Italian
  6. Onesies and fluffy clothes are my favourite thing ever.
  7. No one apart from my internet friend knows that I have this blog. (Hi Eve)
  8. I am very small for my age.

In my last Leibster Award post I nominated people so I’m not going to nominate eight blogs. So if you haven’t done this award yet, I nominate you!

I would like to nominate:

  1. charliiandmeg
  2. I’m A Zalfie Fanatic
  3. hotchocolateandcream
  4. My Teenage Madness
  5. The Awkward Potato
  6. PartiallyEndurableRachel

Sorry if anyone that I have nominated has already done the award.

My Questions from The Wandering Girl:

What is your favourite meal?

My favourite meal would definitely be salmon and broccoli stir fry!

What is the most played song/ your favourite song?

Wow, okay that’s a hard one to answer. At the moment it would probably be ‘On My Mind’ by Don Diablo.

Describe yourself in 7 words.

Shy, small, organised, perfectionist, nervous, music and TV show addict. We can ignore the fact that, that was eight words…

Write something in a different language.

如果你花时间来翻译这个话我爱你,你是最棒的。此外,写在评论你最喜欢的歌,因为我确实需要一些新的音乐。我爱你。再见。That is written in chinese (simplified) on google translate. If you can be bothered, translate it and read my secret message. Are you tempted? I wouldn’t be. It’s a pretty rubbish message.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

When I was six so school wouldn’t be stressful and I had no idea what GCSE’s were.

On a scale of one to ten, how much are you excited for Christmas?

A solid 8.75.

What are you most thankful for?

Sounds slightly contradictory as I just said it was stressful above but the school I go to.

What did you want to be when you were younger?

A vet.

*If anyone has any similar interests/completely different interests or just wants to comment on anything I’ve said please please please comment because I love hearing what all of you have to say and talking to you!*

My questions for my nominees:

  1. You have a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world. Where would you go?
  2. Who do you think is the most attractive person on earth?
  3. If you had to stay one age forever what age would it be?
  4. Favourite TV show and why?
  5. Describe your week in three words.
  6. If you could tame any animal and have it for a pet what animal would it be?
  7. Snow or beach?
  8. Gold or silver jewellery?

 

Thanks for reading!

Lauren x